Would you rather fake an orgasm than ask for what you want?

It might be the biggest unspoken secret, but LOADS of vulva owners fake orgasms (especially in heterosexual relationships) a LOT of the time.

Let’s preface this with a reminder that orgasm isn’t everything. Orgasm is just a few seconds at the end of a whole (hopefully) loving and pleasurable experience. But if it never happens, it can start to feel a bit blugh, and your motivation to even try can wane. Goodbye libido!!

So, let’s take a closer look at 3 common scenarios at play here.

1. You don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings:

● You worry that asking for what you actually want will make you sound selfish or demanding

● You don’t want to complain or make them think there’s a problem

● You don’t want them to think you’re suggesting they don’t know what to do/how to please you

● You’re too embarrassed to tell them what you REALLY want (eg new positions/fantasies/kinks) in case they judge you or think you’re gross

● So you fake it to boost their ego and make them feel good

2. You don’t actually know what you want

● You feel ashamed to learn about your own pleasure

● You are too embarrassed to explore your body

● You never masturbate or you do it as fast as you can using the one technique that works

● You think that sex should work the way it’s shown in movies/porn

● You’ve never received accurate education about female arousal and orgasm

● You suspect there’s something wrong with you - because you always take so long, and never reach orgasm (especially via penetration) anyway

● So you fake it to pretend you’re normal

3. You think you make sex boring

● You notice that your partner seems ready for "sex" now - so you pretend you are too

● You feel worried that they’re losing arousal/hardness so you hurry up & give up on your pleasure

● You think it’s boring for your lover to provide the kind of consistent stroke that your vulva loves

● So, you fake it to pretend you’re aroused when you’re not there yet

Even though you KNOW that your partner WANTS you to have fun! And that they want to know how to please you!

So, what can you do to get out of this habit?

● Try an affirmation like "My Pleasure Matters" and repeat until you start to believe it!

● Re-educate! Here’s a very quick rundown:

○ Penis and vulva owners have very different arousal patterns

○ It’s normal for erections to soften/harden/soften again during the build up to penetration if that’s where you’re going.

○ Simultaneous orgasms are not a realistic goal - it’s rare to come together

● Stop faking! That’s essentially teaching your partner to do something that won’t get you off - and preventing chance for real connection

● Start exploring! On your own! Slow down, no pressure, no goals, follow your real pleasure.

● Build up courage to communicate &offer positive feedback in the moment

○ Yes, I like that.

○ I love it when you tease me

○ My friend told me this thing that sounds really sexy…

Learning what you love and then asking for it is the most effective way to improve pleasure and intimacy in the bedroom. The power is in your hands baby! (literally)

- Lisa Welsh

Lisa is a Sexual Empowerment and Pleasure Coach who helps people to overcome sexual shame and insecurities so that they can step into their true orgasmic nature.

More from Lisa at her website (www.inbedwithlisa.com) or Instagram (@inbedwithlisa).

4 Tools To Help You To Receive With Ease

Sometimes pleasure feels so difficult.

I used to squirm at the thought of just laying back and receiving my lover’s touch and attention. Time seemed to slow down, I was stuck in my head, imagining what he was thinking.

Did I look okay? Did I smell good? Did I taste good? Did I sound weird? Shouldn’t I be *there* by now?

Pleasure was so far away & there was nothing my lover could do to tempt it closer. No thanks, it felt way better to be the one *giving* pleasure! Have you ever felt that way?

I became fixated on my technique and their response. OMG I’d better hurry up, what if he goes soft (not realising that it’s totally okay for erections to relax during proceedings!). I’d rush to penetration WAY before I was ready, making sure my performance was a great one so he'd feel like he’d done a fantastic job of making me happy.

Ugh, the whole thing was so messed up.

Subconscious Programming

I was a victim of my subconscious programming - perhaps you are too. I felt comfortable when I was self-sacrificing, care-giving, putting others' needs before my own, pretending I didn’t even have needs (because that made me a REALLY good person). I was trained to give. When we pull back the curtain on the rubbish we’ve accepted as truth it looks like this:

• I need to be a good woman - not too sexual.

• I need to be a good lover - not too prudish.

• My sexual response should mirror what I see in movies/porn - forget the clitoris.

• I need to make up for/hide the things that are wrong with me - I’m too fat/thin/hairy/saggy etc

• My needs are not as important as my partner’s needs.

• I am not worthy of receiving pleasure.

If you resonate with any of these then I hope you start to feel angry about it. Because it’s b*llocks. Honestly. Why should we accept this?

4 Tools To Help You Receive

Well, you shouldn’t!! And your partner WANTS you to receive their good loving! You DO deserve pleasure! Here are 4 tools that will help you learn to be as generous with yourself as you are with your lover.

1. Mindfulness exercises outside of the bedroom, to help you to stay present in moments of intimacy without worrying about all of that junk!
   

2. Affirmations in the moment when you sense your mind slipping: I deserve to feel good. I deserve to receive. I invite pleasure into my life.
   

3. Tell your partner you feel worried they might get bored pleasuring you - let them reassure you that they love to lavish attention on you. And believe them!
   

4. Play a game with your lover taking turns giving & receiving - then you won’t feel so self-conscious when it’s your turn to enjoy.

Have you ever struggled to relax and receive in the bedroom? Let us know in the comments which tool you’re going to try first!

- Lisa Welsh

Lisa is a Sexual Empowerment and Pleasure Coach who helps people to overcome sexual shame and insecurities so that they can step into their true orgasmic nature.

More from Lisa at her website (www.inbedwithlisa.com) or Instagram (@inbedwithlisa).

Menstrual Cup for Me?

So how do they they work?

Menstrual Cups are bell-shaped cups made from safe, soft, medical-grade silicone which you fold to insert, and it pops open to form a shield. Fluid is trapped until the cup is removed for emptying.

They come in two sizes: Small is more for teens or women under 30, while Large is more for women over 30 or who have had children.

Some of the benefits: - They are reusable. And for years! Saving a ton of money. - You hardly feel them or even at all. - You can wear it for up to 12 hours before having to empty, which is a lot longer than a tampon. - A leak-free alternative to tampons or pads. - No dryness, compared to tampons, which preserves healthy bacteria. - Contains no chemicals, unlike tampons or pads. - No fluid exposed to air, which eliminates odor. - Environmentally friendly. No tampons or pads that end up in the trash or down the drain.

Some of the hassles: - Might take some time and practice to learn how to insert. - Cleaning.

Consult your doctor to discuss if there might be any personal risks or for a size recommendation.

Blog by: Moonlight Candy Team